When will I learn to stop sleeping with Africans? It (very, very) rarely goes well for me.

While vacationing in Baja, I found this very handsome Nigerian who was a 22-year-old college soccer player. His body and his dick were perfect! He was tall, dark, and strong. His face was a bit unfortunate looking, but I’m not really interested in their faces anyway…

He was voted on by you all, and so after the clubs one night, I invited him over (for sex) to the Airbnb I was renting (with 3 friends). It was 4am before he arrived (he was supposed to be there at 2:45), and my friends were fast asleep… or at least pretending to be.

I asked him to be quiet, and led him into my bedroom (which was definitely a child’s room). I asked him to get naked, and instead, he started talking incessantly. He wouldn’t stop this talking until I locked him outside the gate later.

“Are any of your friends girls?” he asked. I already knew what he was getting at, because all my hookups ask for a threesome. “Because you should wake one or two of them up.”

“No. But nice try.”

“You don’t like threesomes?” he asked like a jackass.

“I would be down for a threesome if you had brought another hot guy with a big dick,” I replied unenthusiastically.

That took a moment to compute. He stared at me blankly for at least 10 seconds. In fact, I’m not sure it ever did compute.

“Are you going to let me put it in your butt?” he countered.

“No. Your dick is fucking huge.”

“Oh no, I just meant the tip.”

I really didn’t think people said that in real life… I just assumed it was a terrible cliche used as a bad joke.

“Take your clothes off!” I barked.

As soon as his shirt came off, it became very apparent that I would have to shower him. He had more than one body odor going on. I’m assuming one type was coming from his arm pits, and I didn’t want to speculate about the others.

I told him I wanted take a “sexy shower” with him. He wasn’t interested in that, but I insisted in the nicest way I could manage.

So the shower was small AF. I got in and pressed myself into one of the corners to make room for him. He stood outside the shower protesting loudly. I felt badly for my sleeping friends, but I yelled back at him anyway. Really, it was more like the kind of whisper-yelling that every woman in a relationship must master for use in public when her man is doing something especially stupid.

There were many infuriating things he said, but a highlight I recall was:

“If you’re not going to let me stick it in your butt, I’m not showering.”

In the end, I got out of the shower (still whisper-yelling), pushed him into the shower, and started scouring him with a bar of soap. I kind of forgot that my friends were also using that bar of soap, when I gave a weird hand job with it and then didn’t throw it away…

Before I could stop him, he grabbed my friend’s towel and started wiping his crotch with it. I am a bad friend, but at least I insisted that he put the towel in the hamper and not back on the towel rack.

I led him (naked) back to my bedroom, where he started in with the terrible talking again. Some highlights include:

“Why can’t I have sex with your friends too?” and “Why can’t I put it in your butt?” and “If I can’t have sex with your friends, then I need to put it in your butt.”

He was also intermittently threatening to go home if those things didn’t happen. To which I replied:

“Boy, bye.”

He didn’t leave, of course.. And, in hindsight, my evening would have been much better if he had left at that point.

I finally got his pants off and was reminded why I was putting up with his infuriatingly horrible personality. His dick was so fucking nice! I couldn’t close my hand around it fully, and that made my day! I pulled out my phone to take a picture and he pitched a fit.

“If I can’t stick it in your butt or sleep with your friends, I’m not letting you take a picture.”

I think he may be one of the worst human beings I’ve ever met.

Nevertheless, I tried flattery: “But your dick is so nice! I would love to have a picture.” I didn’t mention that I would then be showing that picture to my gay friends.

“I know it’s nice. Women tell me that all the time.” he replied without any idea how ridiculous he was. “Let me look at your butthole.”

Literally, the worst human being.

He then stood up on the bed and started swinging his hard dick around like a helicopter. I have never understood why guys think that’s cute. It isn’t.

After asking me 8 times to sleep with my friends and 7 times to put it in my butt, I finally lost my shit on him. My whisper-yelling turned into full-on yelling. I can’t exactly remember what I said, but it was something like, “I will fucking murder you!”

Eventually, his tantrum passed and I got a large condom on him. I decided to start on top because I didn’t trust him enough to work it in slowly (and not just jam his enormous dick in all at once).

While the entire evening was profoundly disappointing, the most disappointing part was definitely the fact that he lasted approximately 4 minutes. Further exacerbating his inadequacy was the fact that it was not an intense 4 minutes… I was treating it like a warm-up…. which it would have been with a real man.

“Are you serious??” I blurted out. I could have been more sensitive I suppose… but fuck this guy.

“What?” he asked (like all the inadequate ones do).

“‘What’ is that you came in like 5 seconds and I clearly didn’t.”

“You didn’t?” he asked in all sincerity.

“You were there. When would that have happened?” I snapped.

He just stared at me blankly and then asked if I was married.

I took a deep breath and asked him how long it would be before he could get hard again.

“I don’t know. Are you married?”

“No. And about how long until you can fuck me again?”

“I can fuck you 4 more times. We should get married.”

Surprisingly, this is not the first time this has happened to me. I understand that he wanted a green card, but he has to understand that he needs way more game than that. And furthermore, if I were going to buy a mail-order husband (and I intend to when I’m older), he would have to be soooooooo much quieter than this douchebag… and sooooooo much better at sex!

“Yes, we will get married and I will fuck you 4 times a day!” he asserted.

“To be clear, at the current rate, that would be a total of 16 minutes of sex a day,” I informed him. There is nothing I would love more than to marry a man who acts like a petulant child, tries to fuck my friends, and doesn’t have a functional penis.

He then proceeded to ask me questions about my life, none of which I answered.

I looked at the clock (5:30 in the am). I decided to give it one last ditch effort before kicking him out.

One of my least favorite things in life is trying to give a hand job to a flaccid penis. But I tried anyway to salvage the evening. It didn’t work and he told me he was going to sleep. I told him he had to leave.

He legitimately thought he could spend the night with me after that tragic performance. That would have made me laugh if I hadn’t been so mad.

“You have a home. Go to it.”

“But I want to get to know you,” he protested.

I’m locking you outside the gate in 5 minutes, so I suggest you get an uber right now.

“Can I see you tomorrow night?” he asked.

“No. Because tonight went badly. I do not want to repeat this.” I knew that was harsh, but some say that honest feedback is a gift.

I walked him out and padlocked him outside the gate just as he uber arrived.

I went to bed livid as the sun came up.

And since this happened last weekend, he has tried messaging me on tinder, texting me, and calling. I am 3 more messages away from blocking his number.