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The night couldn’t have gone any better. However, I think he may have killed someone… not on the “date,” but earlier in the week.

Thanks for voting for a Washington D.C. hookup! You guys picked a great one (Number 1)! And I appreciate those of you who expressed concern over the mold in the home of Number 2. Your concern for my respiratory health was very touching.

I had a narrow window of time to make this hookup happen, as I had a group dinner and a trip to the male strip club to plan around. I decided it would be best to have him pick me up from dinner and drop me off at the strip club.

So Washington happened to be 30-something degrees that night; of course I chose to wear something completely inappropriate for the weather. This would have been fine, if not for the fact that the heater in his car wasn’t working (which he told me as I was getting into his car). He assured me that this would be fine because his seat heater was working. This was not fine, as it was still 30 fucking degrees in the car.

He assured me that he didn’t live far (he did) and that it was just a suburb away (it wasn’t). In fact, we drove out into the woods, which doesn’t usually end well for me (or anyone). I started to get a bit nervous when we passed a local farm store and a parking lot full of old school busses in various states of disrepair.

To make the drive more comfortable for me, he told me that he was a police officer. In fact, he said he was such a kindly one that everyone called him “Officer Friendly.” Then he alluded to killing someone. He told me that he had “had an incident” that week, and would be off for the next nine months. When I inquired about the incident, he told me that he wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I asked him if he was alright, and he replied that HE was, and that it involved guns.. but he couldn’t talk about it.

He then told me that if someone else had just fired their weapon, that he wouldn’t have so much leave time… but he couldn’t talk about it. Then he added that if he had just discharged his weapon, he wouldn’t have so much leave either… but he couldn’t talk about it.

I think he killed someone… And that probably should have bothered me. Instead, I stared out the window at rural Maryland and then texted a friend to tell him I might be a bit late to the strip club.

We finally arrived at his townhouse, I was glad that it had heat, but was struck by the fact that he didn’t have any furniture. There were no couches or dressers, but there was a mattress (and boxspring) on the floor of the bedroom. I was pleased to see that the bedding was not visibly soiled. #winning

I went into his bathroom (which was mold-free!). Generally I would have showered [or at least rinsed my PTA (Pussy, Tits, and Ass, not Parent Teacher Association) with the bathtub faucet], but I was experiencing that time crunch, so I just used perfume and smelled my vagina to make sure it wasn’t that offensive (you’re welcome, hookups).

When I emerged from the bathroom, he had Law & Order: SVU playing on his ridiculously large tv. I told him I didn’t want to fuck to old white guys and rape scenarios. He asked me what I would prefer, to which I responded, “how about porn.” He looked a bit shocked, and told me he didn’t think that his cable package came with porn. We settled on music and I told him to take his clothes off.

He had a really great body! His pictures were nice, but didn’t do him justice. He had a huge chest and arms, complimented by great tattoos. His abs were on point also. His dick was nice. It was straight, dark, veiny, and uncut. He barely had any foreskin though. As for the size, I have had bigger… but that is going to be true for everything smaller than two soda stacked.

When he got closer, I noticed that he sort of had breasts. They were definitely hard pecs, but they were unusually round and perky. They almost started up at his collar bone and rounded out above his nipples. It was as though he had told his personal trainer that he wanted to lift and separate his bust. It took me a minute, but I decided I was into his firm and fleshy handfuls. You’re welcome for that visual. It wasn’t until afterward that I realized they were probably male breast implants (yes, “pec implants” are a real thing). It would probably be rude/unfruitful for me to ask him about them now.

Anyway… While I was digging around in my purse for my gun oil (which I have to keep in a ziplock bag because it leaks a bit), he put on one of his own condoms. I hate that he did that before I could inspect it (for holes and the expiration date), and I was about to ask to see the wrapper before I noticed that that the condom was both too small for him and ribbed. Seriously?? Did he get that out of a vending machine in a truck stop bathroom??

“Why is that ribbed?” I asked calmly.

“I don’t know.” he replied. “Why not?”

“Because you have a big dick, and that will make me sore in half the time.”

He stared back at me blankly.

“For women, sex is a more of an angle and pressure thing, not a scraping thing…” I awkwardly explained.

“Whatever you want,” he said.

That is what I always want to hear, because it means I won’t have to scream at them to get what I want. So I switched him out to a traditional Magnum.

The sex went well after that! He was competent with his dick, and didn’t give me a lot of pushback on the pace I set. It was going really well until about 15 minutes in, when I made the mistake of looking at his face. He was making the most unsexy grimacing faces… which confused me. I know I am challenging to sleep with at times, but I like to think I don’t generally horrify people (at least not in the bedroom).

“Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” he replied.

“You don’t look fine.”

“I’m just trying not to cum,” he replied.

“Ok, I appreciate that…” I started, “but if you keep making those weird faces, neither of us is going to cum.”

He kept his face (mostly) under control after that. After I came, I gave him permission to finish so I could get to the club. His cum face was just as off-putting as his trying-not-to-cum face.

I put my clothes on in two seconds and pissed (to prevent a UTI) in 5 seconds. Again, I should have washed my PTA, but didn’t.

I asked him for a blanket to use for warmth in the car, and he handed me a fitted sheet and small blanket. It was dark in his house, so I didn’t inspect them closely, but I asked why the sheet had been given to me. He gave a very vague answer about putting the sheet down first. I later discovered, while inspecting it in the car, that he had given me a dog blanket. When I called him out on this, he assured me that it was ok because it didn’t belong to his dog, but his neighbor’s dog. What a relief! I couldn’t even.

After fishing for an invite to the gay strip club, I told him that he was expected to tip the swinging dicks and described the different dancers from my last visit, and he decided he would just drop me off.

And at the end of all this, I was only 10 minutes late!