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“You look like one of my favorite porn stars… kind of,” he said as he stopped fucking me long enough to lean in and lick the side of my mouth.

WHY??? I was horrified.

He may have been terrible (and I hated him), but he was tall (6’4″), had a nice body, and a pretty nice dick (7 1/2″, proportional girth, but with a slight upward curve). I’ve already forgotten what his face looked like, but I’m assuming it looked fine.

So he showed up an hour late and very high. He was so high that I wasn’t sure his eyes were open at all.

“Well I had to do something while I was waiting on you.”

To recap, he had set the time for the dick appointment, and then missed it by an hour. He would have left his place 45 minutes after he was supposed to be there. So naturally, I lost my shit on him (which was the first, but not last time that would happen throughout the night)

“So I was waiting on you, actually… for an hour… because you were an hour late. So fuck you.”

Ok, I didn’t say “fuck you,” but if I had, it would have saved me from a lot of bullshit, not a lot of sex, and having to tell him his balls smelled musty and then making him wash them in my sink.

Anyway… I offered him a drink (because I’m a delightful host). He took me up on it, but when I poured him a shot, he requested a mixed drink… which he then proceeded to drink really slowly while he offered some of the worst opinions imaginable.

One of the most memorable (and completely unprompted) was his theory about polygamy (his word choice, not mine). In his infinite wisdom, men should have multiple sexual partners because women would want it that way. Women get sick of men, so they should just start sleeping with each other (and their husband, of course). And men will just sleep with all of them.

To be clear, I did not (and would not) ask him his opinion on anything. However, I did feel the need to tell him that was the dumbest thing I heard all day because most men have trouble satisfying one woman.

He responded with: “It makes sense because if a man sleeps with too many women and impregnates them, other men will kill him for the good of the species.”

Let that soak in. Let the stupidity wash over you.

I assumed that the sex couldn’t be worse than the talking. I was wrong.

Aside from licking the side of my mouth, he tried to choke me (hard) and he kept crushing me when he was on top (he weighed in at 250lbs). He would put his full weight on me by trying to put his hands on his own ass (I am just as confused as you are). I had to repeatedly yell at him for this (and the choking).

And then there was the incest thing…

While I was bent over the bed, he grabbed my hips and said “I’m going to fuck you like your father wishes he could!”

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

When I freaked out, he quickly told me he was joking. I do NOT think he was joking. And anyway, he was having enough trouble getting me off without horrifying me.

He was having trouble keeping his dick hard except from behind. I told him if he wasn’t into it, I wouldn’t be offended and he could leave. He kept blaming the condom, and trying to convince me to let him take it off. Really?? You couldn’t convince me to risk herpes for great sex with a bigger dick, so… fuck that.

“You’re really hard to get off,” he kept repeating.

And I would reply: “not for other people.”

When I suggested he fuck me with my vibrator, he looked uncomfortable and refused. And when I pressed the issue of his dick not working right, he looked a bit frightened and told me:

“I wasn’t mentally prepared to fuck you.”

Long story short, it ended with me kicking him out and yelling “If you’re not going to get me off, I’m sure as shit not letting you get off!”

I wish the story ended right there, but he rang my doorbell about 2 minutes later, saying he forgot his jersey (which I’m quite sure he left on purpose).

As soon as he got back in my bedroom, he picked up the jersey and then took his dick out again and asked me to suck it.

I told him that, in 60 seconds, I was going to set the jersey on fire, whether or not he was in it.

He left.