OMG thank you all for voting! You guys picked a really good one (on my @objectifyingmen fb page)! It went really well! Especially considering I did everything I could to give zero fucks.. such as eating the world’s largest burrito beforehand. I also hadn’t (and still haven’t) shaved my snatch in way too long.
Seriously, my vagina looks like a Portlander’s face… Patchy, effeminate, and homeless… But it’s actually employed part-time at a coffee shop. I don’t think I’m talking about my vagina anymore…
In addition to my burrito gas and scruffy vagina, I was also on my period. Well I wasn’t exactly on my period, but I wasn’t exactly NOT on my period… But it was fine; we were in his bed!
I also made him pick me up from the best/worst gay bar on the East Coast… Secrets!! if you love dick and haven’t been… go! Go now!
But he picked me up and was even more muscular than his pictures… Yassssss!! I love it when that happens!! I didn’t think he was as tall as he told me (6 ft), but… fuck it.
In case you didn’t see the dick pic (you can still email me for it)… It was pretty great! He was probably 7 1/2 inches. I was pleasantly surprised to find it was girthier than I thought it looked in the pic.
His apartment was filthy to the extent that I didn’t want to be barefoot on the carpet. Since I left with him straight from the bar, I asked to use the shower at his place (because I’m a nice person). I regretted it immediately. His shower was appalling. There was mold growing on older layers of mold which I can only assume had died of old age years earlier. (You can also email for a mold pic if you are so inclined)
Surprisingly, this was not the worst pre-hookup showering situation I’ve ever had (Africa comes to mind). At least I wouldn’t get typhoid if I opened my eyes or mouth in the shower. That said, I do have a mold allergy, so I kept the shower very brief.
Omg it was all worth having to take Benadryl! He fucked me like the slut I knew he was. He even had his own condoms (which I inspected for expiration date and evidence of tampering)!
It started out with him touching himself (at my request) for my entertainment. Then it went into a 3-minute process of breathing and lubing to fit it in. #worthit
I would say he knew how to hit the spot, but he was so large that he was hitting every square inch of my vagina anyway.
I made him stay on top for an inordinate amount of time so I could stare at his ridiculous pecs. Oh. My. Gawd. He was dripping sweat literally all over me. It was amazing. He didn’t even try to pull any shit that would warrant me threatening to hit him.
This is embarrassing… At one point, I remember listening to myself and thinking I sounded asthmatic. #hotchick
We fucked for over an hour (and multiple orgasms) before I really couldn’t continue (and needed to sleep). Actually, I probably could have gone longer (and I know he could have) if I had been willing to walk bowlegged the next day.
He drove me to my hotel afterward. Which was nice. I guess it would have been nicer if it had been in silence…
I can’t exactly remember why, but at one point he was impersonating me using a British accent…
“So did you know you were going to sleep with me when you first messaged me [on tinder]?”
“Of course!” I said without hesitation.
I paused. “Ok actually,” I began, “sort of. I did have my gay friends vote on you.”
“So they voted yes?” he asked, surprisingly nonchalantly. Maybe he thought I was joking?
“Well, they voted for you over another guy.”
“So what do you do for fun?” he asked.
Oh boy. “Well, I write a feminist blog,” I said, hoping that would make him want to stop asking questions. It didn’t work, although his question was not what I expected:
“What do you think of that woman who made her own bread from her yeast?”
“You know, that news story about the woman who made sourdough bread from her, you know, pussy yeast. I thought you would like that.”
I suddenly remembered why I prefer to pay for ubers than to let them drive me home. That said, I was beyond amused that his one talking point around feminism was vagina-related leavening…
Overall, I can’t imagine this was a great experience for him, but it was fantastic for me!